Entre-jambes

Double Spacing.

2009-05-20T11:01:00.000-07:00

I was living in my old place.

I wasn’t really talking to Enora at the time

I was looking forward to you

My mom had just bought me a bunch of new clothes

This bright blue dress

Satin

And the heels.

Slippery

It was snowing and raining at the same time,

I was holding onto your hand.

We went up the street for sushi,

You had just came back from India,

You gave me this

White

Scarf

I had never tasted all these different kinds of raw fish

You knew everything about

Because of Vancouver

I tasted Sake

I cried.

What You Want.

2009-05-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

The Panthère noire was full of people.

We were all there.
I hadn’t seen you in a while,
She was with her new lover and I was jeleous.
Clearly not drunk enough

The sadness just drifted into your eyes,

And your sweet skin made it seem like a dream

Your strong arms and lips.

We bought MDMA

And it was your first time.

We went to the after party.
Got lost on the way,
your friend was not kind, not sweet, beautiful but aggressive.

He was angry.

We got stoped by the cops,

You were to high to realize, I wanted to hold you.

We went back to Jasmina’s
And kissed in her grand parent’s bed.
You held me close and closer we were drifting further and further away from any sense of consciousness

I did not want it to end.
I wanted more.
I ran to see the doorman,

Asked him if I could go in the pool
he said it was open,
we jumped in,

I can’t swim

I turned on the sauna.

We had trouble breathing. We were kissing.

We went back in the bed.

I wanted to sleep with you

I am still a virgin.

We fell asleep.

On my way to

2009-05-19T14:13:00.001-07:00

The memories fade

and I'm no longer sure

if our relationship

even

existed.

2008-11-08T12:28:00.001-08:00

highs and lows and alternations

personalities

treated.

2008-11-08T12:11:00.000-08:00

you, ect.

2008-11-08T11:59:00.000-08:00

you rested your silence on me,

i enjoy the idea of you

falling asleep on me

today i can fully dissociate myself from my body

my thoughts are elsewhere

i remember images of you rather than your face

frightened

terrified

that you should come to think of me as

my mothers daughter

my fathers image,

sweating of narcissism, streams from my open pores

to be of no use

i fear i make no sense,

the essence of my

building up to a great feeling of anxiety

ect.

i am not sure what to do with you and all of this.

2008-11-05T21:12:00.000-08:00

I got to half of my journal.

The best half is over, i want a new one.

He has his operation tomorrow for his tumor in his finger.

I'm not quite sure which finger.

He's never going to have a nail on that finger again.

I'd like to video tape you when you part your lips,

your eyes wide open.

You inspire the best in me.

I want a man to do that to me someday.

But I'm going to rest my mind on you for now.

-in a platonic way.

2008-11-04T21:43:00.000-08:00

An attempt to brake, open, explore, try.

2008-11-04T21:30:00.000-08:00

And he brought me under steps and stone, and open the dark alley door,

My body was shaking and shattering and shivering.

While my eyes stayed wide open, my mouth remained shut,

alternating roles.

i threw my damp clothes on the floor,

leaving my skin underneath the bed sheets.

my mind flickered.

He guided me step by step through every part of me

as i tried to race through my thoughts,

tried to predict

tried to control the words that were slipping out

beyond me.

un laisser faire,

une main entre deux,

mes yeux se ferme,

ses bras me couvre,

I woke up and ran out of his place.

BPD.

2008-07-02T05:05:00.000-07:00

i am caving into embarrassment

and i miss myself -the way you had made me

reality has been dissociated

perspective is a strange thought

and on this note

come back to me.

2008-06-26T23:15:00.000-07:00

II

2008-06-26T23:12:00.000-07:00

2/2 : to j.

june08

sur ce laisse.

laisse la fonction remplacer la vraie presence

je ne te donnerai plus .

jai mis trop de dose de moi pour demeurer desirable

tu m’avais dit etre inconditionnelle

mais il n’y a rien sans condition.
il n’y a rien sans risque de perte

il n’y a rien sans

il est evidement plus simple pour toi de te combler de son attention

de te combler de valorization positive

constence

inconstance

haine, jalousie, douleur

inconstence

je ne voulais pas ceder

je l’avais presentie

il n’y a jamais eu de confience -d ou la prete de raison.-

J’ai trancher.

Sous la chair, il y a sang.

(under flesh: blood )

7-20-12-9-5

2008-06-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

7-20-12-9-5.

1/2: to j.

june08.

Et ce qui me rend insupportable est ce mon urgent besoin de presence

j’aimerai ecrire quelque chose qui ai du sens

qui fait du sens

qui contient un fond d’agressivitée actuelle.

Un potentiel a etre mieu comprise, analisée, acceptée.

Je me sens coupable, d’etre soumise au pulsions imposée par la dynamique biologique de mon cerveau.

De mes cellules, entassées, empilées et emboitées l’unes dans l’autres.

Ces meme cellule qui ont dessidée que pour moi,

Je n,aime pas que tu me prennes de la sorte, et que je perde le controle la face, malgres que le perds constement.

Je n,ai jamais eu le control de ma face.

Face a eu je suis et je demeure la meme et cela ne s’ai jamais ameliorée

Plutot deteriorée a ce que jetais mais d’une maniere justifiable,

Jen perds la raison

La raison

Tu a raison, je mescuse, je mescuse mille foi mais je n,ai plus de

je ne croi plus a l,espoire

ni en un besoin de sens, je

veux que tu me prennes la main,

caresse ma joue.

Caresse mes cheveux.

Apprends moi que c’est acceptable de acceder a la perte de control de son corps, apprends moi un quelconque plaisir physique.

J’aime trop quand ca fait mal.

Dit moi que tu ne regretted pas le soir ou l’on a perdu la raison,

dit moi que tu ne regretted pas de m,avoir jamais rencontrer ne laisse pas l’espace entre nous t’envelopper reviens moi je me noie

je fais deuil de

je ne suis plus que moi sans toi. Moi sans moi .

moi sans.

Mon sang.

Mes os

Mes cellules.

IL FAUT TRANCHER.

(il faut faire tranche de)

EGO

2008-05-10T11:50:00.000-07:00

Jai peur deter seule jai peur de perdre la tete /Je suis en trein de te perdre

Et tu as Presque plus de valeur que ma tete/ Mais erreur après erreur je semble perdre prise

Je hais mon besoin de l’autre

Je hai mon besoin de toi, je me repose en toi, je me suis toujours reposer dans ce confort , que lautre serai toujours la mais face a moi je perds le control

Sur ce je me questionne sur la normalité, la solitude et la perception.

Est ce que c sain? Est ce que je suis saine?

Est ce que par mes angoisse je me trouve plus saine ou plus folle

SAIN ET SAUF

Certes je suis ego, Je suis egocentrique

Centrer sur lego qui me construit ou sur la construction de ce meme ego

Et la constatation de cette realité instable et monotone et vide me rend perplexe, ambigue, ambivalance. ambivalance face a la realitée qui balance du mouvement constant a la solitide froide et statique

du confort en les autre et celui en moi meme

honeur

2008-05-10T11:46:00.000-07:00

Plus rien /Tout ce qui etait notre est maintenant hors de portée.

L’empire que l’on a construit, disparu tranquillement /Tant la buée l’emportait./

Je regrette mon insoucence, mon irresponsabilité, mon manqué de conscience/

Mon indifference./ Mais j’ai peine a croire que le pire pouvais etre deux fois plus pénible que je l’avais imaginer/ Et que pendant que je me trouvais a la derive,

Ta main ne m’as pas trouvée/ Ta main ne m’as pas cherchée/ Et tu as choisi de laisser les autre avalé ce qui nous restait

Tu as choisi de ne pas t’impliquer/Et ce manque de position/ M’as laisser sans vertebre.

Je voulais juste te dire que je déménage.

Que tu devras donc trouver une personne pour me remplacer./Que je t’aiderai pour les annonces,

Mais que je ne peux pas entierement choisir pour toi puisque cela t’implique plus que moi

Les petites choses ont que peut d’importance,/Mais j’aurais aimé que tu m’avise de ton depart au lieu de l’apprende ailleurs,/Je ne t’ais pas invite a mon expo parceque je ne voulais pas t’y voir,

Parceque tu semble etre que tres peu affecter par mon travail.

Je ne voulais pas te saluer parceque je n’y voyais pas l’utiliter ca fesais au dela d’un moi que j’attendais que tu me demande comment ca allais/ Un mois que j’attendais que tu t’inquiete.

Un mois que je pleurais et que tu n’as pas voulu essayer de savoir pourquoi.

En fait si je me rappelled bien ta seule reaction et de dire que tu le savais deja.

J’ai si peur de voir les mots sortir en raphalle de ta bouche/ J’ai si peur de voir nos reves amorti .

Mais je suppose que je dois dorenavant me contruire sans appuis.

you are paying

2008-05-10T11:31:00.000-07:00

As I approach the empty page, I shiver, I am not quite at ease with the thoughts

Of thoughts emerging, and having to canalize all of them

Just as I learnt to canalize anger and happieness and never succeded

In achieving / much of anything/ as I should have

stay

let me fight my way through your memories, i’ll scare you, easily

i’ll make you espect the worst of me and let you be surprised with the rest but in the meantime there will be no rest

there is never such a thing as to be restfull in my mind, in my dreams i am hollow and thus with the wind I am ment to vanish

holding myself back of the fece on the bridge, I have no control over my body/my mind is long gone, they try to rescue me, but I feel no pain

i don’t need to go to the hospital, therefore I escape.

Find my way through a kitchen and staring at knives. But there is no bad intentions behind the facination,

Since I am already absent and there is only my body that has remained

Read me /Waking up is not as reassuring,

My nightmares have something to be espected of my real self that wants to emerge,

she is wearing a yellow dress, she is prancing around

you’d love her.

Not because she is me, but because she is true

I am nothing to rely on, and I cannot stand to be lied to,

This is how I figured the reasons I dislike myself

i am shrinking

i'm shrinking

2008-05-10T11:27:00.001-07:00

laissez moi retressir

je nai que du resentiment pour tous ceux que jemmerde

et pourtant je naime que ceux qui ne sont pas en mesure de me comprendre

J’aimerai pouvoir etre en mesure de soulever

Ce qui me sous pese

Sous baise

donnez moi une chance d’avoir au moin un apercu d’intimitée

je me perds

dans un assouvissement

tu ne quittais pas tu me laissais

2007-12-28T14:53:00.001-08:00

et puisque la temperature le veux

je me morfondrai

dans un etat lamentable d'accumulation de plaintes

de jeunes bourgeoisie

insatisfaite.

fur.

2007-10-21T15:28:00.000-07:00

je te regarde un peu, certe mais je me fiche je me fish de la situation. fiche moi la paix avec lamour que je te porte.je pourais te redessiner au complet si je le voulais je voudrais qu'il n'y ai pas de raison de combatre. j'aime bien me marrer de toi
give me a reason not to
make me beleive you are i am worth more than they made me beleive in the past. i want you to fucking make me the version of a virgin that they prefer. that you preferif i give you my will i be famous.
i'll start this new way of writting without ending f n sing my words or idstu voiscommmmmmment ils font sur les ordinateurr. tou le temps. tout le temps. tout le temps c'est pas exactement comment je l'avais imagipictured.
love is love is all you need to love.
did you like him before i did caus if so i m just going to let go.

2007-07-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

V.C.

2007-07-03T22:05:00.001-07:00

I always feel at ease in your arms.
I always feel at ease with your mouth.

did you ever feel the need to wonder
what made me need you so much in those moments when i want you to lock my hand in yours

did you?

All I need is a bit of hummanity.

" Do I ware you out?"

R.

2007-07-03T21:56:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought I had grasped the sence to pleasure
I also got to meet the simple truth behind honesty.

Tell me, what is the use to pretend
that our importance to each other is real
you were a whole bag full of make believe moment of joy
you were a whole bag full of well made lies
with so much hope and caring thoughts of love.

You were not real, and i cared so much.

You were a little brother,
an older one as well.

And while i looked up to you to rest my chin on your shoulder you were also the one
who pushed me the fuck away.

And did not care.
Caus you were never able to in the first place.

Now I don't want you to know anything.

I am happy for the joy you find in the presence of others
and the balance you find in their comforting words

You got that grasp of the essence of me
But you forgot the reality of me,
you only held on to the interpretations you made.
That was enough for your own illusion, wasn't it.

The Downfall.

2007-06-15T21:59:00.000-07:00

M, D and Me.

2007-06-15T21:46:00.000-07:00

It is probably around Noon, M is lying on bed next to me while D is on computer trying to
change the endless 50cent playlist that is slowly getting kind of repetitive after the 3rd
time playing, or is he rolling a joint already.

" On est tellement populaire, on est comme les vedette dans les revues. Crois moi, tout le monde
parle de nous. En fait, c'est simple soit ils nous admirent soit ils sont tout simplement
jaloux" I say while joyfully jumping on the bed,

I must have still been a bit drunk at that moment, or still high perhaps,

D abruptly interups his rolling process, looks up and smiles :

"Haha, pour vrai?

- Love, There is no party without us!"

I sit down, rest my hand in M's while he gently opens his eyes,

"J'avou!" he replies, gripping my hand.

At that moment, was I to believe it was the beggining of the downfall. Our faces got so close we
nearly kissed, was it from lust, boredom or by friendship, as I used to believe evrything was.

At that moment, I surredered trust, that I was never to gain back.

Trust, that I still find myself greaving for.

2007-06-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

I can imagine containing this anger much longer>the repressed thoughts of longing towards my physical repulsion of you, as well as the mear thougts of our bodies locked in, makes me crave. And it is not for you that i crave, but the thoughts of how it wasWhen was it that you chose to forget how to dream, or create. Oh and i hate the way you can decide that you own that right, to over power me and be so condescending. Your chemicals are junk, and i know betterStill somehow i seam to feel comfortable in that same anger, I have let it become something to look forward to instead of killing it

EXULTATION

2007-06-03T21:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, i'll be that predictible and use the word struggle.
Or is it actually simply a pain,
A bloody pain in the ars
to know that there is no perfect balance between that fuckin need of aproval
and your emancipation.

I need that sence of forwardness.
And the small part of me that simply wants to settle down
is dispised by my hatred for morals,
hatred for normality.
The longing for that conformity kills me

I am oversensitive.
Over allert to pain
I feed off of yours, though
I feed off of what keeps me away for most lives

Empty spaces
Make my heart beat rise
I will never let myself conform
sell my soul to them
to their devalorisation of passion
of pain
of sensitivity.
I wish to never loose that capacity to create and image

I simply want to finaly emancipate myself within your arms
The virgin mary did not know what she was missing,
or so they say
And the need to accomplish something that
would bring me closer to that sense of adulthood

The plan is,
I'll get you within an hour.
and then I am the one who chooses how far I let you go.
How hard i let you touch me
How low you fingers are aloud to crall upon me
The distance between our hearts,
our skin.

I do not want you to have affinities with my mind
I do not wish you know how if feels like to draw
Let my pain reside in myself
Let me control you by that same sence of guilt that I will impose on your chest.

I don't want you to understand.
Entertain me
AND IF YOU LEAVE I'LL SIMPLY HAVE TO.

2007-06-03T20:35:00.000-07:00

2007-06-03T20:34:00.000-07:00

JE REVENDIQUE LE DROIT À MON IMMATURITÉ.

MAINS DANS CUISSES. BOUCHE SUR COU. et jambes. mal à l'aise.

2007-05-31T21:42:00.000-07:00

could you do me a favor and not fucking touch me as if i was a recreational piece of meat?

Ou est-ce que ce concept s'avère trop cliché?

Vous auriez pu au moins avoir la délicatesse de tenter de me courtiser.

Parlez moi.

Dites moi que vous me trouver...

Je retrace les traits de votre visage et vous demeurez indifferent.

Je suis un corps, certe, je pourais satisfaire le votre mais je ne veux pas.

Je ne suis pas votre terrain vague.

Ni une patogeoire pour vos mains.

Mes seins ne sont pas des mamelons, je ne suis pas un animal.

L'action de faire l'amour me repugne.

Votre toucher me repugne.

Ma peau m'horipile.

HORREURE.

j'ai horreur de l'idée que vous vous rejouierai de me défleurir.

Et votre ego se plaierai bien a se faire caresser de la sorte.

En somme, je pense que cela ne se reproduiera pas bientot.

Au moins les autres était doux.

Et vous, vous étiez trop préocupé par votre role d'homme

pour vous rappeler du mien, de femme.

J'aime le jeu quand on le joue. Je n'aime pas le subir. C'est compris?

The combination of expirience that I dream of, starts with taring your shirt off.

2007-05-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

Its mosquito bite time again,
I love the idea of your brain thinking up excuses,
My idea of fun is make believing i'm elswhere most of the time
Still I do enjoy the thought of your company.

take me out.
take me dancing.

I left my forty on the portch.
Lets finish up really quick and go back inside.

Its my song playing.

Pachabel Canon for three violins and cello

2007-05-28T22:13:00.001-07:00

Et parfois me viens l'envie de me retirer.
pour ne pas vous fatigué, je vous épuise.
je le sens lorsque vos paroles changes,
Et puisque vous importez tant pour moi,
je ne puis ignorer le regard que vous me portez,
l'attention que vous ne me portez plus,
le ton qui me perds,
je supose qu'il est temps de finir notre amitié,
avant que vous ne vous vous lassiez de ma présence,
de mes paroles,
mes pensées, ordinaires, banales,
Je ne resterai pas longtemps je supose,
Je ne parlerai plus,

Et les pensées qui me rattache à votre présence,
à l'envie de vous voir,
ne sont encore, trop vivantes pour être tuer.
Je ne saurai m'abandoner dans le vide de votre regard, pourtant
et à présent je supose que je me dois,
de me retirer,
de me resoudre à la quête d'une autre âme à séduire,
puisque ce sentiment m'est si cher,
puisque la pulsions d'être enviée m'est si douce,
Puisque je ne puis vous remplacer, mais je le souhaite.

Puisque je ne peux me résoudre à vous laisser.

Et je ferais encore une fois l'effort,
encore une fois le geste,
simplement pour vos paroles qui furent une consolations,
à un moment où je n'avais rien d'autre.

Je vous en conjure ne me laisser pas croire
que notres rencontre fu simplement le fruit de l'azar
face à la necessité d'une presence,
face à la necessité d'un échapatoir.

Face au simple et vulgaire besoin de compagnie lors de moments de plaisirs, et de fêtes.

A change of clothes.

2007-05-28T16:40:00.000-07:00

I vaguely remeber being able to trust you.
I want you to like me.
and i want to feel liked.
and adoredand envied.
Your eyes requested my presence, or so it seemed, at that moment.
She was there for you too.
If you can give me the straingt to face myself
I'll give you that golden ribbon,
I always wanted to know how the depended in me would feel If I were to let her out.
And my skin is only the pakaging left to be torned out.wont you take the time to untangle it.
as well as my own mind
and you seem sad, but i like it
how about escaping our awfull thoughts
and lying down for a while

If I play that oil paint right
your eyes seem a little darker today in the light
I wish you could rest your mind in mine
caus the one i have is getting bored of me
and its about time that i change the course of things
A change of clothes will probably do the trick again.

cravings.

2007-05-28T10:58:00.000-07:00

Realising that moments change and vary so do people and places
makes me home sick.

She gazed, thats exactlly what she was doing while he stroke her skin.
she didnt care.
she thought about things such as water and food.
but never about the actions of lust he imposed upon her.

To be attached is to forget ourselves into someone else.
It is strangely what everyone seems to be craving for.
I crave for sweets.

Oh and i crave for you to stay here.

LES BOURGES.

2007-05-27T21:29:00.000-07:00

LES BOURGES, Peinture by Marie Jane (for sale)

Moby

"Porcelain"

In my dreams
I'm dying all the time
As I wake its kaleidoscopic mind
I never meant to hurt you
I never meant to lie
So this is goodbye
This is goodbye
Tell the truth you never wanted me
Tell me
In my dreams
I'm jealous all the time
As I wake I'm going out of my mind
Going out of my mind

Lady Chaterley.

2007-05-27T21:26:00.000-07:00

Lady Chaterley

Alors il se tint là, au dessus d'elle, fixant sa culotte et la regardant, avec de larges yeux sombres, le visage un peu échauffé, les cheveux en désorde, étrangement chaud, tranquille et beau dans la vague lumière de la lanterne, plus beau qu'elle ne voudrait jamais le lui dire. Elle avait envie de s'accrocher à lui, de le tenir, car il y avait dans sa beauté une chaleur et un éloignement de denu-sommeil qui la poussaient à crier et à s'accrocher à lui, pour bien le posséder. Elle ne le posséderait jamais. Aussi, elle restait étendue sur la couverture, ses hanches nues doucement incurvées; et, lui, il n'avait aucune idée de ce qu'elle pensait, mais elle aussi lui semblait belle, cette douce et merveilleuse créature en qui il pouvait entrer et se perdre au-delà de toutes choses.[...] - Tu m'aimes en ce moment plus que tu n'aurais jamais pensé m'aimer. Mais qui sait ce qui arrivera quand tu te metteras à y réfléchir?

L'amant de Lady Chaterley,
Chapitre XII, page 309
D.H, LAWRENCE.

FEMME.

2007-05-27T21:22:00.001-07:00

jabandonne:

tout de meme il faut que je mange.

il faut que j'y pense.
je ne vais pas tarder a m'ennuyer a nouveau
mais ailleurs cela serai probablement different.
jabandonne.
l'education sentimentales de mon cul.
tu ne veux qu'y mettre ton penis.
mais je ne veux pas de ton corps proche du miens,
ouste.

je veut encore un tylenol.
tu m'as endormi l'autre soir pendant que je criai son nom
c'est de la merde ce que j,écris mais tu le lis
et je me demande pourquoi cela t'intrigue
tu n'y arrivera pas.
meme si tu y mets une main.
tu rentrera pas.
c'est pas la bonne cerrure pour toi
t'inquiete. il n'y a rien qui viendra de moi
je n'enfanterai que de ton mepris.
les bassesses de notre age.
a ton age tu bois
a mon age je prend des amphétamine.
j'aime le gout du sel.
de la pillule sous ma langue ou de l'autre truc blanc
qu'on se rentre
dans le nez.
apres avoir tant bu dans les salles de bains.
j'ecris ton nom sur les portes, t'inquiete tout le monde
le verra.

TU ES UNE SALOPE.

salope, oh la vache.
je suis bourrée et je pense a toi.

SALOT

tu es encore un con meme si tu es aimable.
tes yeux sont encore encré dans ma bouche.
je te leche sur mes levre et le gout reste dans mon café
je t'ai dis que ca pourrais vouloir dire de quoi
toi.

pouquoi tu a voulu que je te dise ca.
pourquoi tu veux que je me rabaisse a toi.
la prochaine fois je morderai ta langue.
on verra si t'aime encore ca.

Sun Sufficating.

2007-05-27T21:03:00.000-07:00

C'est sans savoir ou aller qu'elle s'entetat a se perdre.
Il fallait le perdre ce temps
Il fallait l'usée avec tant de moment de joie,
ainsi que quelques uns de solitude pour aprécier l'ordre de l'absurdité.

He knew there was never really an end to anything .
that things just go on and there was no use to corner them down.

I had my cup of tea of long lost regrets
untill i narrowed them down to guilt
and that was easily fixed.

let me picture you this way
from that angle and place that still in a series of actions.
a series of mistakes
rooted in my mind

oh keep that arm distance between us wont you
my mind is already too close to yours
i like you,
therefore i'll probably hurt you
that is, if you like me back,
its part of the process
therefore keep that distance won't you?

Comment left on E.

2007-05-27T21:00:00.001-07:00

À Solen: De Marie Jane
COMMENT MYSPACE.
tu sais quon tm et on sera tjrs tjrs la si jamais tas quoiq que se soit ak ta famille ou quoi que ce soit. je pense tres fort a toi, no one really care while im here but i think ill be in nyc qhike yi pulle bere. i have so crazy photo cup holsrd jus stend me motells and insist done be affraid

Letter 2, to M.

2007-05-27T20:51:00.000-07:00

Martin, Enora and Aida. Painting by Marie Jane (for sale)

The power you leave in me is so young,
its fading out as i become vulnerable
and am i even still aloud to worry about you,
now that you take care of a part of me?
now that the trust is gone?
I wont be left useless.
and i have surrendered to you now that i am stripped from any defense
are you going to treasure that insanity that resides in the walls i've built for myself.
the ones i've built to lean on
The lines between friendship and more have been blured out,
but i guess i can manage a friendship more than anything else
and if we happen to manage through this
then nothing might shatter us down the peices i
need to mend in myself have always been there.sorry if i startled you with my weekness
sorry if i seemed so real
you were never one of those who changes
we were in this together.
i needed it to be that way.
the days can get so long.
without you i searched myself in everyone.
i was the only one to blame.
should i have told you more about who i was before showing you who i really am
I felt you loose me that one time
While i was to busy escaping thoughts i was'nt strong enough to face
Had someone ever need you so much in a moment, though?
And now that I am only that thought to you
Should i feel honnered you are still here? unpowered.
But, i wont accept feeling weeker.
i shouldnt have to sink so low.we were once equal lying on someone's bed talking.
all these things i should have told you before
might have cleared the hole thing out for you my habbits,
my thoughts,my relationship
with faith.
with trust.
with fears.
that i hid to seduce you to get that attention i wanted.
but i guess i have grown away from those games now.
i need real relationships.
real conversations,
real moments of happieness.
and i shouldnt be scared of loosing you because i seam to insane
or loosing you because i am not quite as secure as most.
because i sometimes need to have my hand held.
and i shouldnt be scared of loosing you.
I don't want to force things although i want to be there for you.
There is nothing that i shouldnt be able to tell you, or hear from you.
I want to know everything.
I want you to feel as safe with me as you used to make me feel.

I want to laugh about it all.

Letter 1

2007-05-27T20:45:00.000-07:00

Words are so badly interpretated.
and you must think a million things but the things is
I just wanted to tell you that you should talk to her more.
Because she might do somethings that she thinks you have done by the only pretext that you have done them beafore.
And if you could only handle a conversation with me
then you could really understand what i mean but now i talked and its out there and someone got it all wrong
so you might hear things that arnt quite true and try to tell her off but you shouldnt caus she is wonderfull and she doesnt mean any harm,
she has no bad intensions and i wish i could explain face to face what i mean.

God he told me i was something i am not.
God you told him stuff i never thought,
God talk to me. caus i only wanted to be your friend.
and look where it got me. i should not write all this and i will regret it tomorrow.

But the truth is, I think I deserve a reply and i think i deserve if not a small percentage of your attention only for the sake of even trying to make you understand.
the truth is I do enjoy your presence for the simple fact that you dont require mine
and that you do not ask.
and now that i talk to you isnt that a proof that i am worth the time.
DO NOT ignore me.
DO NOT ignore the fact that i can seperate my intension from the ones of the people i care about.

I am not that self centered and i am way more understanding than you think
and you are FUCKING aloud to keep this for yourself.
and i will be waiting for a reply and i am honest enough to ask you for it and i am straight forward enough to continue talking to you on MSN pretending that nothing more has been said.
And i do implore some pitty
only for the fact that i do not have enough pride to take myself for granted and forget about you and still write to you in hope you might care for her.

sincerely,
mariejane.

Indescriptible.

2007-05-27T20:34:00.000-07:00

la pire sensation cest le froid permanant dans lequel mon corps se plait.
c'est l'indifference que je maconne peut a peut.
c'est les besoins insatisfaits, qui s'entremangent.
inconographiquement l'amour est vulgaire.
The need of you
makes me cheap.
the thoughts of you make me gag.
Make me talk take them out.
Once rotten, those teets wont fall verry far.
scared to talk.
the wonrg words make me look even dumber,

Can i stop?

Le silence qui nous abritte m'endore
Réveille moi quand les choses commencerons a prendre un sens.
mix tape of events.
that always colide in a unfasionnable way.
is this statement a bit ironic to you?

A year ago i was stilll as vulnerable
but i hadn't tasted coke.
A year ago your arms were way stronger.
let me tie you together.
and choke you.
let me tell give you a peice of my problem take it out.

I want to save someone.
rest on me for a minute so i can forget myself.
or at least make beleive i can help.
dont turn me into useless peices of flesh
tied together with a knot in a ribbon

oh such a lovely red ribbon don't you think?
if you could at least prescribe something to me.
you'd be uselfull
your face is such a waste of beauty.

Laisser moi detacher tout ce qui me tient à moi.
laisser moi la libertée de mourir sans remors.
je me retiens,
pour ne pas vous abandonner encore.
suis je obligatoirement victime de mes fausses promesses.
vous n'avez pourtant jamais exaussé les votres.
dont trust me i'm not turst worthy.
je vais me coucher.

Her brother.

2007-05-27T20:27:00.000-07:00

Dominique by Marie Jane.(for sale)

Then you'll wake up and the summer will have gone
just as winter apeared
and you'll wonder just how bad it might have been if i had stayed.
now that i'm happy
I have nothing to write
And you are not important anymore
just as long as your face remains erased,
And the words that i write don't seam to make much sense
To anyone else than me. To anyone elses then them.

Don't worry time is never a consolation
then you find me looking at my watch again
I guess i'm scared of growing old after all
you smiled and looked right back i would not let you leave.

Lumière plus ou moins blanche.

2007-05-27T20:18:00.000-07:00

Mais j'avais oubliée.
Je me demande encore pourquuoi l'on n'y accorde de l'importance.
Mais j'ai le besoin d'être au dela de moi parfois,
pour oublier les basses auquelles je me soumets, je m'infliges.
Je m'infliges le devoir de te satisfaire, de vous plaire.
Je m'inflige le bon gout.
la politesse,
l'amour.
j'aimerais etre petasse.
conasse : votre ennemie.
savoir a quoi s'en tenir,
ne pas être apprécier est plus simple au fond.

i am just the shit that you fucking reduced me to
i am just like all the others you retraced and pined down
are you there?
are you real?
are you kind, or are you planing something.
if you are about to bite,
let me know
if you are about to laugh,
let me know if there is a dagger in your right arm,
if you want to cut my head off, at least let me know.

et on fait pareilet on y joue
sans savoir qu'on y avait pas le droit.
je ruine toutes nouvelles chances
pour la securité de la deception
et je balance. et je m'en balance.
et il est a peut pret temps que je partes
pour l'idée soulageante d'un renouveau
mais la stabilité de ce berceau est doux,l'hypocrétie est domptable
Je me rassure donc du fait que l'on en parle
tant que tu sais ce qui est vrai.

Mother.

2007-05-27T20:12:00.000-07:00

And sometimes the need of feeling someone's presence reminds me
how i dont even feel my own.
and the reflections that apear are only partially present
when you stare you cant even see the shadows
then the images you think are so reliable fade out
and you are only the illusion of yourself
somhow i feel mad.
then i deconstruct the anger slowly and associated it with the deep feeling
of cold indifrence i found in the drug
the thing is i cant see where i stand
is it the overload of substance in my blood that makes me explode in a profound need for feeling when i am finally sobered up or is it simply a return to the introduction
to the origin.
I bathe in this frustration as if they still owed me somthing.
something that cannot be replaced by those things they treated me to
and that way they smile when they make beleive they are proud of some acheivement they never fully understand the meaning of
look at me
look at what your daughter has productivly spread out.
a series of images of my truth.
and the essence of my dream land.
the one in which values are opitions and choices are never the end
hate today
adore tomorrow
the fine line between selfpitty and selfwoth
adore me
becaus i sadly still despise myself.
god forbit you should touch you're daughter's skin
or hold her in your arms
it would bring the ice to water and perhaps make your eyes fload.
there once was a little princess that was verry strange.
no one seamed to grasp her essence therefore they sent her away
will you place me in their hands?
let them caress my anxiety attacts and rest in your acomplishements.
your reward for hard work.
is not to have to deal with anything you do not have to see
don't askdon't know.
keep your distance my dear old woman
keep away before i might bite.
then you might loose your mind
and become mortal after all

VACHEMORTE.COM

2007-05-27T20:08:00.000-07:00

Salvation.

2007-05-27T20:06:00.000-07:00

and everythings apeared in contrasted thoughts of torns and plearsureand
have you even thought of me
when you strangled the rest of them the battles,
they have won,
made you someone else.
and wile he left she was still watching over the rest.
I was still watching over the rest.
The empire we had never lived through but simply admired
the dreams we just immagined
would you start over would you do everything the same

What i want.

2007-05-27T20:04:00.000-07:00

I want girls kissing.I want men touching. I want to see things the way men do, then woman, then girls. I want to feel rich and powerfull. and see things through a child's mind.I want to play with my...and then touch the camera. Play.Bodies touching. Food. and every psychotic. Anphetamines. and champagne. I want to feel your opinion on things when you are drunk. Then try to make you stay that same way, sober. I want to push you over the edge, then make you want more. I want you to want to be those people you were thought to judge. I want you to let go Inhibitions waste my time, and yours. Cut to the chase.FUCK HER.let me photograph the symbolic behind all of this. wait, i am way to wasted to capture anything else but trash.is this art?
Is this creative? Is this mediatised. Fuck creation, i want to recreate. Say it again, my name. hers. let me take a picture of all of this now. are you thinking about repercutions? FUCK YOU. there is no such thing as repercution. tomorrow, you might just as well be dead.

The place.

2007-05-27T19:58:00.000-07:00

the promises i made to myself
forgot about and erased
Last time i cheked, god didnt remember my name
and i forgot all about his.

La plus belle sensation.

2007-05-27T19:52:00.000-07:00

ca doit etre quand on est bourré ou plutot gelé et que notre peau perds toutes activité sensorielle et que on a froid mais on est trop parti pour s'en rendre compte.
et que soudainement quelqun place sa main sur notre bras et nous dit que on est la seule personne a prendre le temps, et qu'il attendra que je lui envoi le email. et que cela veut vraiment dire beaucoup pour lui.
il avait une main sur moi et j'ai retrouver toutes mes sensation jusqu'a les reperdre.
et j'ai reconnu son regard sincere
et il repris la main de sa petasse et moi je l'ai regarder partir.cela doit etre la plus belle sensation.

Le first Post.

2007-05-27T19:32:00.000-07:00

Marie Jane is a photography whore.
Her camera wants to see the world, her eyes are already quite bored.
Her words are verry young.
and while they are learning how to dance.
welcome to her mind .

Personality type: 4

Loves: veganism. slutty groupies. bodies. powders. Paris Hilton. casual anorexia. touching and making out. VIGINS. and NEW BORN CATHOLICS. oh and body painting.
Dislikes: hallucinating. sex. numbers. the queen. fat.

BUY MY PAINTINGS. BUY THEM.