V.C.

I always feel at ease in your arms.
I always feel at ease with your mouth.

did you ever feel the need to wonder
what made me need you so much in those moments when i want you to lock my hand in yours

did you?

All I need is a bit of hummanity.


" Do I ware you out?"

R.

Just when I thought I had grasped the sence to pleasure
I also got to meet the simple truth behind honesty.

Tell me, what is the use to pretend
that our importance to each other is real
you were a whole bag full of make believe moment of joy
you were a whole bag full of well made lies
with so much hope and caring thoughts of love.

You were not real, and i cared so much.

You were a little brother,
an older one as well.

And while i looked up to you to rest my chin on your shoulder you were also the one
who pushed me the fuck away.

And did not care.
Caus you were never able to in the first place.

Now I don't want you to know anything.

I am happy for the joy you find in the presence of others
and the balance you find in their comforting words

You got that grasp of the essence of me
But you forgot the reality of me,
you only held on to the interpretations you made.
That was enough for your own illusion, wasn't it.

The Downfall.

M, D and Me.

It is probably around Noon, M is lying on bed next to me while D is on computer trying to
change the endless 50cent playlist that is slowly getting kind of repetitive after the 3rd
time playing, or is he rolling a joint already.



" On est tellement populaire, on est comme les vedette dans les revues. Crois moi, tout le monde
parle de nous. En fait, c'est simple soit ils nous admirent soit ils sont tout simplement
jaloux" I say while joyfully jumping on the bed,

I must have still been a bit drunk at that moment, or still high perhaps,

D abruptly interups his rolling process, looks up and smiles :

"Haha, pour vrai?

- Love, There is no party without us!"

I sit down, rest my hand in M's while he gently opens his eyes,

"J'avou!" he replies, gripping my hand.



At that moment, was I to believe it was the beggining of the downfall. Our faces got so close we
nearly kissed, was it from lust, boredom or by friendship, as I used to believe evrything was.



At that moment, I surredered trust, that I was never to gain back.

Trust, that I still find myself greaving for.

I can imagine containing this anger much longer>the repressed thoughts of longing towards my physical repulsion of you, as well as the mear thougts of our bodies locked in, makes me crave. And it is not for you that i crave, but the thoughts of how it wasWhen was it that you chose to forget how to dream, or create. Oh and i hate the way you can decide that you own that right, to over power me and be so condescending. Your chemicals are junk, and i know betterStill somehow i seam to feel comfortable in that same anger, I have let it become something to look forward to instead of killing it

EXULTATION

Yes, i'll be that predictible and use the word struggle.
Or is it actually simply a pain,
A bloody pain in the ars
to know that there is no perfect balance between that fuckin need of aproval
and your emancipation.

I need that sence of forwardness.
And the small part of me that simply wants to settle down
is dispised by my hatred for morals,
hatred for normality.
The longing for that conformity kills me

I am oversensitive.
Over allert to pain
I feed off of yours, though
I feed off of what keeps me away for most lives

Empty spaces
Make my heart beat rise
I will never let myself conform
sell my soul to them
to their devalorisation of passion
of pain
of sensitivity.
I wish to never loose that capacity to create and image

I simply want to finaly emancipate myself within your arms
The virgin mary did not know what she was missing,
or so they say
And the need to accomplish something that
would bring me closer to that sense of adulthood

The plan is,
I'll get you within an hour.
and then I am the one who chooses how far I let you go.
How hard i let you touch me
How low you fingers are aloud to crall upon me
The distance between our hearts,
our skin.

I do not want you to have affinities with my mind
I do not wish you know how if feels like to draw
Let my pain reside in myself
Let me control you by that same sence of guilt that I will impose on your chest.

I don't want you to understand.
Entertain me
AND IF YOU LEAVE I'LL SIMPLY HAVE TO.