highs and lows and alternations

personalities 

treated.

you, ect.

you rested your silence on me,

i enjoy the idea of you 

falling asleep on me

today i can fully dissociate myself from my body

my thoughts are elsewhere 

i remember images of you rather than your face

frightened

terrified

that you should come to think of me as 

my mothers daughter 

my fathers image, 

sweating of narcissism, streams from my open pores 

to be of no use 

i fear i make no sense, 

the essence of my 

building up to a great feeling of anxiety 

ect.

i am not sure what to do with you and all of this. 

I got to half of my journal. 

The best half is over, i want a new one. 

He has his operation tomorrow for his tumor in his finger. 

I'm not quite sure which finger.

He's never going to have a nail on that finger again. 

I'd like to video tape you when you part your lips,

your eyes wide open. 

You inspire the best in me. 

I want a man to do that to me someday. 

But I'm going to rest my mind on you for now. 

-in a platonic way.

An attempt to brake, open, explore, try.

And he brought me under steps and stone, and open the dark alley door, 

My body was shaking and shattering and shivering. 

While my eyes stayed wide open, my mouth remained shut,

alternating roles. 

i threw my damp clothes on the floor, 

leaving my skin underneath the bed sheets.

my mind flickered. 

He guided me step by step through every part of me

as i tried to race through my thoughts, 

tried to predict 

tried to control the words that were slipping out 

beyond me.

un laisser faire, 

une main entre deux,

mes yeux se ferme, 

ses bras me couvre, 

I woke up and ran out of his place.